


the fool

by shivadyne



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 13:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12841830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shivadyne/pseuds/shivadyne
Summary: {fucked/fouled} up beyond {all/any} {recognition/repair/reason}





	the fool

**Author's Note:**

> a lot of the things you can make the protagonist do are kinda fucked up so... i wrote this trying to think about how that headspace must be.

Akira, even from a young age, understood that there were expectations for the life that he held in his hands. For being born, he was expected to be a good child, a smart child, a polite child, a mother’s boy or a father’s boy depending on who wanted it more at the time. He was intimately aware that he existed at the mercy of others or perhaps the good will of them, but when did it run out?

When he stood in those dark streets that night with cuffs around his wrists and fear wrapped around his heart like a vice, his mother had stared at him from far away with a look in her eyes that screamed of her disgust, her disappointment, her distance. Her lack of love had been a brand burnt into his skin, into his entire being.

When she spoke to him later, it was in hushed tones. She had smiled softly, but not gently or lovingly or anything he’d expect from a mother who truly cared, as she said, “Baby, it will be so much better for you there,” and then twisted the knife deeper into the festering wound that had to be his heart, maybe, or his core. Whichever, whatever. “You’ve committed a horrible crime. You staying here will only hurt your father’s position at work. You don’t belong here anymore.”

His father had stood behind her, dark eyes scornful and mouth twisted in a scowl. “You fucked up, kid. You should know better than to mess around with things that aren’t your business. Time to learn your lesson and maybe this time you’ll prove you weren’t a screw up. Got it?”

He met his father’s eyes with a miserable but understanding stare and nodded, reluctant to speak out of fear that he would burst into tears. There was disappointment there and guilt, but beyond that was a sort of emptiness that he felt defined him more than the pain of the betrayal did. 

 

It didn’t get better.

Sojiro looked at him with distrust and bitter anger, clearly unwilling to house this idiotic delinquent anymore than his parents had in the sixteen years he had been alive. He was short with him, tone clipped and instantly dismissive before he even spoke a word.

Akira caved for him, just like he caved for everyone else, and played the role he was expected to. He was contrite because he was meant to be. He was so sorry because he was meant to be. He was-

He stared out the window of the attic, thinking. He rested his chin on his palm, eyes half-lidded and the colors blurring together into a mesh of somber grays and dark blues.

He wasn’t sure what he felt, but he didn’t think it was remorse or pleasure or anything else. Most days, he felt numb to his existence like it was just a simple fact that he was there and that it was a problem. Maybe that’s all he was, too. A problem.

He didn’t know.

And honestly? He didn’t care to find out.

 

When he met Ryuji, it was… different. He got caught up in the whirlwind of barely controlled emotions that made up his best friend. The anger gave him whiplash and the sadness beat into him like an intense wave.

Somehow, that was worse than anything he’d ever dealt with before. The emptiness within him seemed to be more pronounced and so he fell into another role, this one something different.

Ryuji’s eyes were staring at him, begging and begging and begging for something. Help, maybe. He didn’t know. But something in him broke.

And then there was a voice in his head and he was in so much pain it felt like there were claws digging into his skull and just yanking out every little bit of him that he had to offer, only to find it to be a disappointment. But it didn’t stop. It didn’t let up. It told him to be better, to be something more, to rebel and fight and take anything that would hurt him.

He saved Ryuji’s life, but that was just the beginning.

 

That wasn’t the only life he saved. He met the rest of the Phantom Thieves slowly over time, their eyes always grateful and expectant.

He was their leader.

They needed bravery and so he barreled into enemies until his health was so low his head was spinning and his body ached and all he wanted was to curl up in bed and dissolve in his tears, fading into nothingness but still he persevered.

That was what was expected and so he fulfilled a new role, even if it was one that felt more genuine.

Sometimes, though, he felt tired. And empty. And-

He sunk deeper into the water, both relieved and fearful of the emptiness of the bathhouse. He held his breath, completely submerged in darkness, and wondered what it would be like if he didn’t bring himself back up. He wondered what it would be like to die.

He came back up gasping for air. He wasn’t sure if he was disappointed.

He wasn’t sure of anything about himself anymore.

 

Killing the enemies in the palaces was just so, so easy.

A well-placed spell could bring them to their knees and sometimes when they begged him to let them go, offering money or companionship… he simply shook his head and then grabbed his gun. His hands didn’t even shake.

Ready, aim, fire.

There was no mercy here.

 

Sometimes, Akira wondered if he had truly escaped the shackles that held him down.

The Fool was pressed into his being like a brand, replacing an older one, and so he became a prisoner somewhere else. And he fell into the role that was expected because that was just what he had to do.

He was a blank slate, made to be rewritten over and over again for whatever purpose he must serve.

 

CLEAR DATA.

START A NEW GAME.


End file.
